Are you worried that your feedback will upset them?

 “I don’t like giving feedback to people that I know because I’m worried that it will upset them.”

I’ve heard this exact sentence countless times from so many of my coaching clients.  They tell me, “Marty, I don’t like conflict.  I feel uncomfortable having difficult conversations.”

What’s the impact?

My clients then proceed to share with me how stressed and overwhelmed they are because people are not behaving in a way aligned with their expectations, moral compass, or values.  This is especially prevalent for managers giving feedback to their employees.

I’ve spoken to leaders at all levels of organisations who are stressed, frustrated, even angry with how one of their employees is behaving and the impact it’s having.  They share that it creates a toxic culture, backstabbing, poor performance, safety risks, disengagement, and people leaving the business. Those who normally leave are the high-performers.

This doesn’t even take into consideration the negative impact on the leaders’ mental health and wellbeing. Their relationship with their loved ones, and “the passion for what I do, has now,” they tell me, “somehow dissolved.”

What’s the truth?

The conversation with these leaders soon gets to the real truth of why they are experiencing all of these negative feelings and outcomes.  What’s the truth for the majority of these leaders?

The behaviours that you are tolerating are the same behaviours you are promoting.

So what’s the root cause?

What is the source of the dilemma of avoidance that so many leaders face? There are two answers 

The first answer is imagination

Humans are unique in the animal kingdom. We are the only animal that has the ability to imagine.  Why is that significant?  Because, imagination helped us to survive.  It helped us to anticipate threats in our environment so that we could respond and stay safe.  It was designed as a survival mechanism.

The second answer is fear.  

Humans all have an inherent need to feel a sense of control, validation and belonging.  This sense of belonging gave our ancestors certainty that they would be protected by their tribe from outside threats.  If you were to do anything to upset and erode the trust of the tribe members, you may get rejected by the tribe.  This would ultimately lead to you being alone and at significant risk from all the outside threats.  Your survival would be at risk.

So why the history lesson?

Fast forward 70,000 years and your imagination is still anticipating the threat to your sense of control, validation and belonging.  Conflict with colleagues is unconsciously seen as a threat to your survival.  So the fight-or-flight response kicks in and the flight response wins the battle.

The meaning we give things determines how we respond.

What if, instead of associating delivering feedback to a colleague as conflict, you gave it the real meaning, a gift?  What if you used your imagination to anticipate that the receiver of the feedback appreciated the new perspective on how their behaviour was impacting others?  What if, with that new gift of information, they decided to change their behaviour so that they could be perceived differently and that their sense of control, validation and belonging increased as a result of their new action?  What if their new actions and behaviours improved team culture, improved performance, and engagement?  What if it was the greatest gift they ever received?

When you imagine offering someone a gift, how does it make you feel?

If you want to overcome your fear of conflict, and your avoidance of having difficult conversations with your employees, sign up to my free one-hour webinar, Four Fundamentals for Fearless Feedback where you will:

• Learn how you can overcome fear and create conviction to have constructive conversations
• Learn the fundamentals for constructing a feedback conversation
• And how to forge more time to deliver feedback with consistency